PromQueenSubdued

Last Friday I trekked out of town to spend a few hours each with 3 friends I have known since high school. The time spent with each of them was wonderful, amazing, insightful, joyous and tear-filled. Each session had big emotions and big reveals. The afternoon felt like a mix of a 6 hour therapy marathon and the season ender of "The Biggest Loser", "Home Makeover" and "American Idol" all in one sitting. (Not that I watch those - still fan girl for "The Office" and "Californication". But, from hearing others talk, the big reveal moments are always emotion-filled). One comment, among many, that had me mulling is, "Anger is a dragon protecting deep treasure."

Also last week, a different friend told me I worry too much. This would be a good time to add that in this season of life, I find myself strongly relying on my friends for their insights about me. I think I am in the mood to be coached. I have signed up with a personal trainer, and am seeing the results of another person's eyes and expertise looking at my habits and helping me change them. I feel like I am asking this of my dear friends, too. "Hey, btw, when you have time ............ could you remind me who I was before cancer and heart attacks and mortgages and parenting turned me into a bundle of nerves? I know I have grown and strengthened, but I think some whimsy and joy got left along the road when I did not mean for it to. What do you think? And ..... when you have more time to think about ME, how the hell do I get it back? Just curious .... if it is not too much of an imposition."

I find myself looking backward and forward in time, but having a hard time hanging out in the present. And I want to be in the present. I think it is important. One of the things that most amazes me about Christ is his ability to know the past and the future, but still have such laser focus on the moment at hand. Plus, thinking far in the future, promotes that aforementioned worry. "Distance creates monsters in my head," I wrote to a friend today. In relationships of importance, for me, this is especially true. If I am used to talking to someone like my mom every week, then when I have gone two weeks, I begin to fret. When I have not had a real or cyber conversation which lasts long enough to drink a cup of tea as we chat in a relationally expected time period, I create imaginary monsters.

And monsters put strain. I act insecurely. I imagine woes where none exist. I seek affirmation. And I have been creating this particular flavor of monster as long as I remember. And I am pretty fucking tired of it.  I deeply want to get to a place where when distance of time or talk occurs, my first thought is not, "Wonder what I did to offend?" but "I wonder what joys and challenges are so filling both of our lives that we are too busy to catch up?"

Because I know for me, the flash of anger dragon will always hang out at the gate when important treasures of my heart feel threatened. And monsters will keep popping up on distant horizons as relationships ebb and flow. But they can be nicer "Pete's Dragon" style dragons. And funnier, cuddlier Sesame Street monsters. And I can learn to giggle with them when they come out to play.